It’s been a while since I added to my blog, those who know me on Linked In or FB will be aware that I have had a breakdown, both physically and mentally, this was happening over a long period of time but reached the point of no return in October, I totally snapped, did something stupid that I am fully ashamed of, and through that lost my job, my reputation, all self respect, yet more significantly, seem to have grown either a sign or extra organ that it seems everyone apart from me can see,,,,,, that must say “This person is mentally ill please disown”

It’s amazing how my circle of acquaintances colleges etc has dramatically reduced, in fact it feels that on occasions people seem to have gone out of their way to avoid me,,,, paranoia???  perhaps, but I am gaining 1st hand knowledge and experience of the stigma people with mental health issues suffer

I am not a psychopath, or a bunny boiler, I am not a serial killer or a danger to anyone but myself (on occasions) I am just ILL, that’s all, at present I am finding it difficult to cope, people ask me “What is wrong with you”? I can’t answer because I don’t know, it’s as if something has snapped, I don’t know where or how to fix it, will time work??? I don’t know

At present I’m pumped full of God knows what tablets, that have awful side effects-loss of appetite, severe migraines, vomiting etc, I know there is no “magic pill” that can help, but I feel like screaming “I am still the same Neil!!! I still have the same knowledge!!!!” it’s just at present emotionally I am struggling to “join the dots” as it were

I can’t thank my GP or the people at Eastglade enough but at times it feels like the Sherlock Holmes guide to treatment ” Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth“. Yet why do I feel shunned?? why do I feel outcast??, I know there is a huge amount of negativity regarding ill/disabled and all on benefits lately, but I feel like I should be carrying a sign, or a mark on my clothes that say either “Sickie or scrounger”  I didn’t ask for this to happen NO ONE DOES!!! yet why does it seem that public opinion especially regarding mental health issues feel like we’re back in the dark ages-are we really on the verge of camps or ghettos for ill/disabled or vulnerable?? I actually can see this coming, and that is terrifying,

On a personal level I have gone from earning £30,000 a year to £3000 a year yet I’m made to feel “unclean” or “Unworthy” because of this, again I did not ask for this to happen, but please do not get me wrong I am just trying to highlight my current situation, I have no intention of claiming any favours and eventually getting a job with either Maximus or Atos (as a certain other blogger did) in fact I left Capita because I refused to imply the bedroom tax or suspend benefit- I tried to help as many as I could but I couldn’t cope with all the people needing help-this is what is happening out there, so all I ask is Please do not believe the Daily Mail, IDS Katie Hopkins Jeremy Kyle, Edwina Currie etc, people needing help should not have their dignity destroyed or made to feel 3rd class citizens, just remember that it could happen to anyone at anytime, a sneeze can throw out a back and leave you immobile, so please do not sneer



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